永遠的回憶

作者:小夜龜

1999.04.24

As I could recall, it was a western valentine’s afternoon that I received your warm greeting from Club Yuen. As usual I got online and checked my email. To my surprise, it was you. A well educated man with good manners and fine hobbies looking for a friend as well… Without any doubt I replied immediately after reading your email. “Finally” I thought… it be a great chance to know someone interesting…

And you seem very interested as well as you requested for a chance to hear my voice. I thought about that a little, yet sent you the number through the second or third email…thought it wouldn’t do any harm. At the time, I was planning on a nursing presentation that was going to be due at the end of my nursing semester. I couldn’t help myself ask you about your opinion and your perception towards “Ginseng”. And you kindly searched everything you could possibly know … even though you were busy with your business…and fax all of them to me… I was grateful… I was speechless. And for the continuous weeks after, you called up time to time to see how the preparation went… was very warm thought. I could not understand how or why you could care much… and I am still not sure why exactly… maybe it was just affinity or maybe it was the

Mother-nature… I might never figure that out hundred percent… but I do want to thank you for that…

I was very concerned about how little I knew about the alternative medicine, I was afraid to fail the course … frustrated enough, one night I just broke down and cried-- I didn’t know whether or not my studies would ever be successful. Pressure builds up so enormously that I don’t think I could survive the obstacles of life. You called that night and gave me a lot of support and comfort…

“ If crying makes you feel better… then cry it out loud”

You offered me this chance of teaching me how to cook “雲南氣鍋” The traditional Chinese tonic soup; and “Qigong”.. An alternative way to better health J . My mind was overwhelmed with joy.. how could anyone be any nicer? It is too good to be true.. I tell myself ..that is just a wonderful dream. But, it is not just an illusion; it is not an illusion; if it were how was I still so conscious, so rational? I was interested; it’s a great time for me to learn, “How could anyone be so passionate J ?” It was an offer that I could hardly refuse. Thus, I gave a brief “ok”; but I was still not sure if it was dream or reality.

Our conversation seemed to turn into something irresistibly provocative. I admit it was amusing to hear all your stories and experiences. The injuries you went through and how you changed your career from a herbalist to a more business related work. Your trips to the Fuji mountains, Germany and other parts of the world. You asked me if I were into traveling as well and even offered me a chance to go to Europe together. I’d say I desperately wanted to go, but without completing my first year of school and with continuous studies Nursing courses and other language challenges, I could only hope. The aquariums, the gardens, are much alive through your words. Like the Hollywood mansion; I could not and still cannot resist my imagination. Vividly I remembered, one night, while checking my email, I received an offline message… a message that triggered my little night turtle’s emotions.

“Hi, I spent the night in my garden with a warm fire”

Even though those were not the exact words, the meaning will never be erased from my mind. It sounded so romantic somehow. I begin to wonder… what if…

Yet… I didn’t know how to tell you. Maybe you already sense it through our usual conversation.

“Am I waiting for something or someone?” I asked myself; but my mind segregates from my body. Like a turtle being caged too long, when she is unleashed she starts crawling as fast as she could, yet can’t seem to reach as fast as she desires. She cannot compete with the Mother Nature for she knew that the power is not within her reach. So she can only reach the farthermost mountain that her eyes could see and hope for the best.

“You are too perfect to be a lover that I had to control myself before I go off the tangent” My heart kept on nagging me… he is the one… hold on to him and never let go!!! But why does my intellect conflict the idea simultaneously. I do not understand. I feel guilty. Is it my memories or just my fear? My courage sinks in deep into my soul. Much like the sinking Titanic, it only goes in one direction… down towards the deep Atlantic Ocean.

I could Fall In Love 只想遇到一個人

(Selena) (張宇)

I could lose my heart tonight 那些人在我心裡經過

If you don’t turn and walk away 像風來了又走

‘Cause the way I feel I might 我的心滿了又空

Lose control and let you stay 快樂又寂寞

‘Cause I could take you in my arms 那些愛在我的心裡留過

And never let go 短的像一場夢

I could fall in love with you 我一個人滿街走 沒有地方停留

I can only wonder how 只想遇到一個人 所以我等

Touching you would make me feel 相信會以一雙眼神 可以讓心安安穩穩

But if I take that chance right now 不想在像飄盪的靈魂

Tomorrow will you want me still 一輩子浮浮沉沉

So I should keep this to myself 只想遇到一個人 所以我等

And never let you know 相信會有一種緣份

I could fall in love with you 知道誰是培我的人

And I know it’s not right so I guess 在我最慌亂的時候

I should do what I should do 有顆心永遠不會冷

But I could fall in love with you

I could fall in love with you

So I should keep this to myself

And never let you know

I always thought that love never come at the right place right time. Yet, this time, I seem to have won the lottery. It is the good luck angel that brought you to me. There is a symmetrical force that I cannot explain. Love is addictive. I believe loving someone is much cumbersome than being loved. “被愛是幸福 愛人是痛苦” Now, it becomes the reverse effect. I do not know what to think… What is missing? What is wrong if everything is so perfect? Maybe it is the time… that fogged my vision. Such as sunscreen that I must simulate to protect myself from the burning fire above the sky. I distress myself having to be born on the wrong decade. If I were born a decade or two prior to reality, there’d be no such obstacle.

Just as I am about to say good night and hang up the phone. Those three words unexpectedly come through my ear. I am speechless again. Although my mind wants me to reply you just the same, silence is the only answer I have. Love is inversely corresponded to logic. As Max Shulman described in one of his short stories,

“Love is a Fallacy—a logic error.”

Silence is not what you expected. Indirectly I can feel you are unwillingly disappointed. And so our conversation somehow ended there--with much uncertainty. For the whole night I am on bed; however, my eyes are never shut for it is the fear of the uncertain that kept my mind conscious. So conscious that I hardly blinked an eye. The nearby stereo is playing Jeff’s old album. It may have been the words or just my imagination that led me into tears. I never told you this because it is too private. Because it is one of those reasons I can only keep to myself. Because I prefer to have that shield against all others in order to protect my inner sanctuary. The only way to be forever genuine. Because I am not looking for any sympathy. It is how I alleviate those procrastinating emotions. It is how I relieve the pain. It is what makes me who I am.

So long as the night, silence lingers longingly throughout the hours of darkness. It is not until the sound of the early bird have I realized dusk comes so abruptly. I can contemplate no longer. There is a reddish complexion through my eyes. My frontal lobe is not corresponding anymore. Logic diminishes in front of my eyes. The pain, the agony. My parietal lobe retaliates every aspect of congruent gesture of thought. I am barely alive. All my emotions…all my energy is drawn out by the evil intellect, philosophy, psychology.

“ Go to bed, it’s not gonna help solve anything staying up. Tomorrow is another day. There is always a well-defined solution behind every problem. The end always justify the means”

Thus I let myself go. As dawn creeps slowly from the Eastern Hemisphere, my mind inevitably forces my body to rest and ignore the harsh reality of all mankind. Deep into my fantasy towards the everlasting sanctuary.

Where is my serenity? I seem to have lost it. Dream does no avail because I cannot catch the cupid’s arrow this time. In the mist of confusion, I can only recollect Brwning’s poem.

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breaths and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace

I love thee to the levels of every day

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight

I love thee freely, as men strive for right

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise

In my old grieves, and with my childhood’s faith

I love thee with a love that I seem to lose

With my last saints, I love thee

With the breaths, smile, tears of all my life!

And if God choose,

I shall

But love thee better after death.

Frustration comes so instantly that I am left with little instinct. Rationality countermands such overwhelmingly; it is as if I was splashed with a barrel of wet ice. So frigid, so stiff, I stand there lost—with point one percent consciousness.

It is not until the sound of an afternoon phone call does my mind return to normal function. I realize what I must do. To counteract my instinct. The safest and most rational decision for time being. Sit in front of the computer screen firmly I explained vividly about the morality of my sentiments.

Painful as it is, I have to retain my patients. Actually, I think I have the best patience there is compare to all of those who I have known. Is it because I believe in astrology and horoscopes? Probably yes for I am conceded in the order of the heavens and the search for my lifetime soul mate. Such a treacherous journey. Dream will never be a dream. It belongs to my lifestyle. It is not a stale habit. It is not the typical drink that can be purchased anywhere. It is the only cocktail that I blend. Cherry-red color. With a little sweet, sour taste. Just enough to quench one’s thirst.

“Ring… … ring…”

“Hello, … how are you? …”

………….. I hesitated. That irresistible voice… can obstruct every artery, every vein in my body. Through your words, I sense your concerns, your frustrations, your dreams, and your desires. Burning fire, cozy but destructive. My body… hot and cold. Much like an active underwater volcano. You are waiting for an unsolved mystery. A jigsaw puzzle left unfinished for the last piece is mysteriously lost in the mist of confusion. I comprehend every barrier you described. Yet, I must refuse. Another inexplicit conversation just ended. Weather turned extreme so suddenly. Thunder, lightening, all at once. I have committed a crime. How unethical...

~ It is Such a Painful Case ~

We stumble in a tangled web, decaying friendships almost dead and hide behind a mast of lies. We twist and turn and we avoid, all hope of salvage now devoid. I see the truth inside your eyes. So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again. I’ll bear the cost, shed my skin, all you up and then… You could resurrect a thousand words to deceive me more and more. A thousand words will give the reasons why...

Time manipulates your heart, preconceptions torn apart. Begin to doubt my state of mind. But I won’t go down on what I said. I won’t retract convictions read. I may perplex, but I am not blind. Manipulation. Fabrication. Conversation. Annihilation. I’ll say a thousand words or more… Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.

Days go by without any phone-call; no message, no email. Absolute silence surrounds me. Just imagine to be caged in solitary confinement. I am the only one there. Weak but still alive.

Decisions? Are they reasonable?

A walk to the mailbox turns out to be a walk to the Central Park. I just keep on walking without definite direction. With no sense of destination either. So carefree, as if there’s no tomorrow. I cannot remember when was the last time I took a stroll. Back to nature. I sat down by the willow tree next to a swan-lake like pond. Strays my eyes toward the furthermost flock of ducks. Why some hostile? Why some in ease?

It is not half an hour later do I realize I am staring at them…

Blanking myself out.

My mind, now, retrieves much of my conscience.

Somehow, I conclude my emotions. Toward my own, and toward his. Let it flow naturally. Let it be. Will it begin to fade like clouds? Or will it be stored safely in a unique chest that I can always reminisce time by time? Time will show me the perfect answer. So I will let it fly. Freely. Towards wherever suit it most for I have no right to take absolute control.

Thus, I sing… let my sentiments flow with melody and memories that will never fade…

不愛不散　

~THE ~END

I would like to especially dedicate this story to “JFK” and “Fuzzy_bear”.

Thank you, John, for everything. The Victoria trip, cooking pot, dinner... etc. And I will remember to practice the daily activities. Thanks, Fuzz… for being such a good listener, supporter. I really appreciated it.